


Don't Want To Be Close To You

by austinthegrouch



Series: Hazy Midmorning Dreams (Why can't I stop writing about Ginny) [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: All relationship tags involving ginny are onesided, Aromantic, Attempt at Humor, Canon Trauma, Diary/Journal, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Is Gay, Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Colin Creevey/Neville Longbottom, Minor Harry Potter/Ron Weasley, Multi, POV Ginny Weasley, References to Depression, Tom Riddle's Diary, except ginny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 19:37:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16646414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/austinthegrouch/pseuds/austinthegrouch
Summary: Selected passages from Ginny's diary, age 8 to 15.Ginny enjoys dating. Or at least, that's what she wants you to believe. Her diary says otherwise.





	Don't Want To Be Close To You

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [DentistsScareMe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DentistsScareMe/pseuds/DentistsScareMe) in the [GenAndAroPrompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/GenAndAroPrompts) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> any fandom.
> 
> One character feels like they are unlovable because they've never been interested in romance before. Fortunately, another shows up to tell them exactly what they need to hear.

PASSAGE FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 8 1/2  
I caught Bill snogging a girl I'd seen around the village in the shed today. It was so weird, licking each other's mouths and all. I don't think I'll ever want to do that. Bill told me that it was just because I'm young but I don't think so. Does that mean I'm a lesbian like Aunt Jacqueline? But I don't really want to snog anyone. Do people just get more disgusting as they age? Ron's always teasing me about the Boy-Who-Lived, but I don't want _that_. It's just nice to think about, you know? 

PASSAGE FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 9  
Luna's mum's funeral was today. I've never seen anyone look as sad as her dad did. I heard mum and dad talk about how until today he hadn't left his house since it happened. I haven't really seen Luna either. Why do people get married and have kids if they're just going to die? Is it really worth it? The whole idea seems a bit unfair. I don't know if I could ever care for someone or love someone as much as Luna's dad does. Maybe if I finally meet the Boy-Who-Lived one day. We'd be on the Quidditch team together and he'd carry my books and treat me at cafés. I don't know if I'd marry him. I don't even know what he looks like honestly. No one does. But maybe...

PASSAGE FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 10  
I saw Harry today at the station! He's nice-looking, but... I still don't want to snog him yet. Maybe it just comes with time, like with Mum and Dad? Ron's in his class. Maybe they'll be friends, and Ron'll bring him home, and it'll all just happen one summer like in those trashy novels Mum hides where she thinks I won't see. He looks like a Seeker. I hope he plays so we have something to talk about. I don't think I could deal with someone I couldn't actually talk to.

PASSAGE 1 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 11  
I can't talk to him! It's the worst thing ever. Least romantic summer in existence. I just end up turning red and just wanting to die on the spot. Whenever I see him, i just end up imagining a scene from those Muggle romance films Charlie takes me to when he visits. He finds them hilarious, but I want that. Not the snogging or the misunderstandings or tension, but... more like finding someone who understands me and doesn't tease me for it. Someone I can connect to without being an awkward mess. I don't know if it's real, but I want to try. 

 

PASSAGE 2 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 11  
Tom, something truly dreadful happened.

_What's wrong, Ginny?_

So there's this boy. 

_There's always a boy, isn't there?_

Not like that, Tom! He's a twit who won't leave any of the Gryffindors alone, especially Harry and Ron. His name is Draco Malfoy. 

_I see. Any relation to Lucius?_

Yes, I think he's his dad. He's an even bigger twit. So anyway, he cornered me in the hallway and stole my poetry book! And he says we have no manners.

_You don't write your poetry in me?_

I don't want to bother you. You're already so nice.

_I don't mind. I get quite bored in here. What'd he do with it?_

He found a poem I wrote for Harry and told me he was going to show the entire school! I thought he was just playing around, but he actually paid a dwarf to sing it and Harry just kept running away. I never want to leave my dorm again.

_They just don't appreciate you Ginny. You probably worked so hard on it._

I did! I even found a book on writing poems in the library. I thought that maybe if I tried writing love poems to him I'd start wanting more. 

_You're really set on fancying him. It's quite admirable. I'm even a bit jealous._

Don't worry, I still like you best. I just want to fancy somebody.

_I'll like you even if you don't._

You always know just what to say.

 

PASSAGE FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 12  
Is it odd that I miss Tom? He was using me to try to kill people and revive himself. He's You-Know-Who and ruined basically everyone's lives ever. But he's the only person (spirit? book?) who's ever really listened to what I had to say. I thought he cared, even a little bit.

I can't remember most of last year. It's all a blur. All I can remember is Tom and being so tired I could barely stand. I don't think I'm over it yet. Everyone else is. But I keep thinking about it and him over and over again. Was it my fault for being so weak? Or was I just not enough for him?

Colin and I spend time together now. He's loud and so happy all the time. Everyone finds it annoying but... It distracts me. He makes me feel like I'm a real person who might eventually have a real friend one day. I don't feel like that most of the time. I'm not dating Colin, even though half our year thinks so. He fancies Harry in that way and I used to try to. I'm not sure if I'll ever fancy anyone the way Colin does. Everyone says it takes time, but how much? 

Everywhere I turn, I see Sirius Black and it hurts to think that last year that was me. That I have the potential to hurt people like Tom did.

 

PASSAGE 1 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 13  
Neville asked me to the Yule Ball! I'd have gone with Colin but we're both third years. I promised to take some pictures for him though. He's been showing me how to use his camera! I never knew what Dad saw in Muggle things, but they're amazing. Maybe I'll ask him this summer to show me some of his dove-ee-sis.

Neville's great, but we're just going as friends. He and Colin became friends first, and it just happened. He's really sweet. I think Colin's starting to fancy him. I hope Neville does too eventually. They both deserve it. I always get so invested in other people's relationships and... It's just so interesting. I don't want one right now, but it's fun to play matchmaker. Like, Ron has the biggest crush on Harry and it's so cute, even if he's ridiculous about it. Harry doesn't realise. I'm pretty sure he thinks Ron and Hermione are going to be a thing, even though Ron's just mad at her "betraying" them. It's hilarious to watch, even more than the Triwizard Tournament (although a drenched Ron was also pretty great).

PASSAGE 2 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 13  
Michael Corner asked me out. I said yes. I don't know why I did. I'm not even interested. But... he looked so sincere and I didn't want to reject him. Even though I didn't really fancy Harry, it hurt when he acted like my (leaked!) poem was a death sentence. I don't want to make someone else feel like that. And it's not like I fancy anyone else. I've never dated anyone, so maybe I should try it out? He's not the ugliest bloke either and he's smart. I could do worse. It doesn't have to be real yet. Maybe if I'm actually in a relationship the feelings will come naturally.

 

PASSAGE 1 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 14  
Umbridge is rubbish. Complete and utter rubbish. I'm not going to ruin this diary any further by elaborating. Even her name is foul.

On a brighter note, Nev and Colin are dating! It's a bit awkward being a third wheel (is this how Hermione feels 24/7?), but I'll manage. It's not like I'm completely devoid of other relationships. Luna and I started on the tricky path of restoring our old friendship this summer and it's going well so far, even if she's a bit kookier than she used to be. But it's not like I can talk.

Michael and I are somehow still dating. I'm not really sure how to end it. I surprisingly managed to convince him and a bunch of Ravenclaws to join the DA. He seems so invested in this relationship and I'm just... not. It's not him. It's just that none of it feels right. I think Ron's noticed, by the way he keeps bothering him. I wish he'd just leave it alone. It's not his business. Maybe I should try going after Harry just to see how he reacts. Ha! Not likely.

Speaking of Harry, I took his position as seeker and I feel so bad about it. He's a good bloke and I'd rather be a chaser. Oh well. I'm still glad I made it. He seems to be having too much going on to focus on Quidditch anyway. I'm barely in the loop and even I know _something_ is going to happen.

 

PASSAGE 2 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 14  
The same thing happened again even though it feels like I _just_ broke up with Michael. What's wrong with me? Since when am I such a pushover? I barely even talked to Dean. How does an occasional random chat in the common room lead to him fancying me? And why did I say yes? I can cast hexes better than anyone in my year and I have a fierce temper to match, but I _hate_ using it. It reminds me too much of back then, me alone in a back corridor, hands stained with blood and ink. Rejecting Dean wouldn't break him or anything, but... I just can't. Not to anyone. And I mean, he's basically the opposite of Michael. I might as well give it a shot.

If this falls through though, I'm never leaving Neville, Luna, and Colin's respective sides again. I need them to shield me from this ridiculousness.

 

PASSAGE 1 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 15  
Rn and Harry caught Dean snogging me in the shortcut under the tapestry. It was _terrible_. And Ron just made it worse.

I didn't mean to go on about his lack of experience in front of his crush, but I couldn't help it. I was so angry I couldn't stop, that little reminder of Tom I'll never lose. I hate snogging anyway. I always have and probably always will. I want to apologise, but he'll never accept it. 

I don't know why he's so sensitive about dating. I wish I'd never started. Dean's been getting on my nerves and he _never_ stops. How do you break up with someone without feeling like you're the wrong one?

PASSAGE 2 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 15  
I'm so sick of being snogged. Harry just did it to me, in front of our entire House, my ex, _and my brother_ (who fancies him) yesterday, despite the fact that we've hardly had a decent conversation alone. I know I liked romance novels as a child, but this is too far. It's not like I could reject him in front of an entire crowd though. I just wish blokes would stop being interested and just leave me alone. 

I didn't snog him back. Ron left the room after giving Harry his blessing, and I slipped out after him. I told him I wasn't interested, that I didn't want to mess up Harry's mood in front of all of Gryffindor. That tomorrow I could just play it off as a heat of the moment thing and everything would go back to normal. That I knew his secret. His eyes were wet, and for maybe the first time since we started Hogwarts, he hugged me. And I realised it wasn't just Harry I hadn't had a decent conversation with. 

 

PASSAGE 3 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 15  
I did it. I finally managed to say no. I met with Harry in private, and said so much that I'd been holding back. That I'd just broken up with someone, that I hadn't _not_ been in a relationship since I was 13, that I just wasn't interested in them. I asked him if we could just be friends. He took it much better than I thought he would, and even admitted he was using me to make someone else jealous. I hope it's Ron.

I'm still slightly avoiding him though, but that just means I have more time for my less adventurous friends. Colin's been pestering me to study with him for our O.W.L.'s and Neville and Luna've been off to the sidelines. I've missed them so much, even if half the time they were in the same room. 

 

PASSAGE 4 FROM GINNY'S DIARY AGE 15  
It was me and Colin in a corner of the library, just like in the old days, attempting to cram. Luna didn't study and Neville had a class, so we were practically useless by ourselves. After failing to accomplish anything, we took a break and talked, really talked. It felt like the first time in a long time. After I made a quip about stupid blokes, his expression grew serious, something I'd never really seen. He smiled softly and talked about how he was glad I was out of those toxic relationships I'd had since third year, that I'd stopped being myself for a while. Maybe I really had. And maybe that's what gave me the courage to finally stop faking. I could never hide anything from Colin anyway.

For the first time ever, I explained how I don't think I'll ever want a relationship, or really like anyone. How that part of me was broken somehow. He just shook his head.

According to him, it wasn't. That I didn't need romantic love, or a relationship, to be happy. In the Muggle world, apparently they call people like me "aromantics". I said the word out loud, trying it out and deciding I liked how it sounded. Colin's smile grew.

There was a reason he was my best friend.

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to continue it until Post-Deathly Hallows, but I think this was a good stopping point.


End file.
